So today was the third time in recent memory when a friend proclaimed, "If the apocalypse ever happens, I need to make sure I'm near you, because then I'll survive."
And so, I thought I'd elaborate about why I'm awesome in general (and also to make myself feel better for staying in on a Friday night because I'm getting over a cold).
So why would you want me to lead you through the Zombie Apocalypse? (Or, maybe a bit more timely, why should you seek out my company before an impending natural disaster?)
Well, friends, here are a few reasons:
1. I grew up on a farm. Big deal, you say. So what does this get you? Should the McDonalds and Chipotles of the world close down, Not only can I cook whatever food we can find, I can also grow delicious veggies to eat, should the world come to that. I also know how to butcher chickens and grind wheat to make flour. I think now all I have to do is learn to brew beer and distill spirits and I'll have all those sustenance-related bases covered. And I'm not afraid to roll up my sleeves and do the heavy lifting.
2. I know how to sew, knit and crochet. So I can mend the inevitable holes in your jeans, and make hats, mittens, sweaters and blankets to keep you warm. If we find a sheep to sheer, I could probably also figure out how to make my own yarn. I've seen a few demonstrations in those historical village things... Also, if we find sheep, well, we'll have mutton for dinner.
3. Contrary to the popular female gender misconception, I am actually quite good with maps and directions. Also, I know how to read an old-fashioned map (not just turn on the GPS on my phone). I even know how to use a compass! I can figure out where we are and get us where we need to be.
4. (This one was new today) - I work in tech, so should we come across any sort of electronic device that may provide information, I could probably figure out how to procure said information from said device. Ok, ok, I know that one is a bit of a stretch, but hey, worth a shot.
5. I can drive stick shift. Remember that scene in Independence Day when Vivica A. Fox finds the big truck to drive around and then meets the First Lady? Yeah, that'll happen. "You're a dancer? Oh, I love the ballet..."
6. I know stuff about cars. I've changed oil, batteries, tires and alternators on several cars. If the big truck we commandeer breaks down, or if we find an already broken-down jalopy to steal, there's a 50% chance I'll be able to fix it. Which is much higher than the 0% odds you'll have with some other people.
7. I become multi-lingual (when intoxicated). I can speak Spanish (poorly) and German (poorly). In the event we need to count to 10, ask for beer, or check in to a hotel with someone speaking either of these languages, I will provide some (very little, actually) value.
Cool, right? SO. Should you find yourself wondering what to do the next time a tornado/hurricane/herd of zombies is approaching, head my way. If I like you enough, I'll guarantee your survival. If I don't like you that much, I might still help you, but you may have to pay me. In the event that commonly accepted currency becomes worthless, or the power goes out and we can't get money out of ATMs, we can barter.